I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
bring money and cleavage
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
