His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
