Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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