Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
