Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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