I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I hate all girls vehemently.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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