My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
