OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
