I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
