I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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