I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
