I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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