I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
