Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
