I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
