ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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