Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Walk of Shame today included voting.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
