This is not my ceiling
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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