I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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