he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
