I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize