It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
