i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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