Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
