Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
