I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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