So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
