I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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