Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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