4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
