If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
