you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
