As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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