I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
