I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We left the knife in your bed.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
