Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
