I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
