he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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