When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
