grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Everclear isn't food dammit
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
