I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
