so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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