found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
