i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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