Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
