If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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