Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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