People in love make me want to vomit
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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