i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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