I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
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I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
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bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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