I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
