it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
