They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
