I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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