i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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