This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
