When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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