I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
