if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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