I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
